Then, I finally screamed, but it wasn’t long enough-it wasn’t strong enough.

It wasn’t enough for me to feel better.

So, I screamed again, and again, and again.

Luckily no one was home to hear me, so with all of the lights turned off, I screamed.

My walls aren’t crashing in on me…no, they are sturdy.

It’s this damn consious of mine and this heart.

At times I feel like I could burn everything, everything I know, watch it brun till there is nothing left, maybe then I’d feel free

…but probably not.

I thought that you had it in you.

Those big lips and broad shoulders,

I could have sworn that you had it in you.

You read Hemingway, you sang Radiohead

The deceiving sum of  intellectualism

So we kissed, we cuddled

And when the time came to

I was surprised to have found

That you are a lazy lover.

I was shocked and saddened by this discovery

You just laid there, on top of your throne.

With that dumb smile on your face

Asking for everything yet giving nothing.

Before I even begun you were through.

Thinking I was pleased, you tried to kiss me

And as I asked in confusion, ‘that’s it?’

You sighed in satisfaction then skipped away as delighted as a child

As I laid there, dumbfounded by the laziness of your loving

Along with being in a scary situation I seem to be in one of “those moods,” you know, the one where I “blog.” Or something like that. Meaningless words of nothing, yeah, that pretty much sums it all up.

My father will be turning 55 on Sunday, the weekend would also celebrate my parent’s 28th year as married folk, if they were still married. Sometimes I still find myself in disbelief of it all, wishing life were different, crying for the things I will never be able to have.

And then, in the midst of all my wishing… while I am watching the latest tear jerk-er flick, I find myself, well, tearing up. So, I decide to read a book and in the midst of a beautifully, well-written chapter, I do it again. I tear up! AGAIN!

I wonder, what on Earth has gotten into me!  The slightest, tinniest things seem to have gotten the better part of me, for example, a father taking his daughter’s hand at the grocery store, I have to take a deep breath because I am full of emotion…

I simply cannot explain this, this unexplainable thing that has been happening to me, and for a few months now. I hold my breath so I won’t cry, although I am not sad. I haven’t been sad and although my life is far from “perfect” I am finally content with it for the most part.

So, what is it then, this emotion? What  is causing me to be so impacted by the smallest notions of affection that my chest swells up and I stare in adoration?

Maybe time will tell? Maybe I’m just so emotionally screwed that I will stay like this forever? Maybe I am on the path to finding out MY meaning for life?

…maybe, maybe…

so you listen to what the universe is trying to tell you…when you can hear yourself breathe in perfect intervals of your heart beat…how could it be so wrong…

A bumpy path, lead me to a broken road that only ended with a circle.

While I watched my feet outline the road I caught a glimpse of… of something.

And what a beautiful something it was,

I followed this beautiful something with wide eyes, reaching out… just to… just to see if I could touch…

Lightly walking… I tried to walk so lightly.

Not to scare,  

Not to frighten,

Then I touched this beautiful something

And my heart fluttered with delight, I held it, then I closed my hands around this beautiful something, as if for it to feel my fluttered heart. 

A trickle through my fingers…I felt it trickle through my fingers… my hands opened slowly to find nothing.

My heart stopped.

My beautiful something had trickled away.

So, I find myself in a state that is not much better than my last post, although a lot of the passion that was found there has died within me. Not that I’ve changed my opinion or thoughts on the subject matter, it is just that sometimes we get tired of fighting an endless war.  

And so, a war it is, not only between she and I, but also between myself and I. A war that started to develop in concurrence with the development of my brain.

Many people ask me still to this day how she is doing, I always tell them such things like ,”she is doing just fine” or “better than ever.” Really, it is all a lie, for I do not know “how” she is. I don’t care to know. Yes, I know how awful I sound, and I honestly hate the fact but it is the truth.

I am told many things, that I just have to pray and forgive all that has happened. That she is  my mother and will always be. I must argue the fact that a mother can be anyone who chooses to fill the definition of a mother, which is in my opinion, not in accordance with “the woman who birthed you.”

So, I find myself with two problems, the first being mother-less. The second fighting to not be like her in any way, shape or form. Unfortunately, I am told that I resemble her in certain mannerisms such as my sneezes and at times I often look as she does, which eliminates the shapes and forms, but those could always be fixed with a litte surgery and consciousness of the mannerisms themselves.

But it is the fact that I am trying so hard not to be like her, that I have learned to hate. It is a kind of hate I wish no one to bear. And by learning to hate and be bitter, I have found that I am no better than she is and am back at the beginning.

So often we see and hear people say in life “I will never be like that,” and yet it seems to be in their nature to follow in the footsteps of exactly whom they do not wish to be. I am afraid now… is it in my nature to be how she is? To lie, to hold secrets and destroy the ones whom you claim to love?

An epiphany, or something like that. No, no I say. It is not in my nature to be that way.

Never before have I had such sympathy from others, such compassion from my family, and such understanding from strangers.

I had lost all security in my world, all faith in others, and possibly all trust in me. Shaken by the silence of violence, I didn’t realize what I had become.

I reached out for someone only to fill in that feeling of urgency, I had to fill it in… Somehow. Turning to anything that offered itself to me, I took it all oh, so willingly.

A shiver for all the times that I’ve seen her in me.

And I find it the hardest thing, to tell about myself, so I kept me quiet.

I had fallen into that rabbit hole, with no desire to lift myself out nor let anyone help. A stubborn bull.

So softly I return to a stage of me, refusing to reach back for that light switch while fearing my capability of breaking the bulb completely.

Anxiety occurs when plans are made.

The sin of envy flows over me whenever I glance to see what was never really mine.

In the midst of all my self-doubt a sense of calming runs through me, and one day, I’ll fill up that mother fucking rabbit hole.

“People’s first reactions when they hear that we are an all-girl band, well, they usually get an odd or disgusted look on their face or ask if we are punk or metal.” said Christina Z., 22, head vocals for the Pentagon, with a witty grin on her face. Regardless of gender Love Pentagon is not only good but they are among the best. When you compare their musical composition to others among their genre, they are on par if not better than most of their peers.

With non-specific lyrics and improvisational live shows with no real direction, Love Pentagon is really the quintessential example of experimentalism and they have achieved what few experimental bands have, a cohesive and uniform sound.  

The vixens of the Pentagon started back in early August of 2006 and have already secured a steady fan base and with two of the members having backgrounds in classical music and all of them being musicians for well over five years. It isn’t surprising that the music making part comes quite easily for them. “We Try and be as epic as possible,” said Judi Brown, 22, the bassist of the fabulous five. “We don’t try to fit into any sort of genre. We just do what we feel like and if it sounds right and it makes us dance, it’s usually good and we’ll just play and see wherever it takes us,” Brown added.

And Love Pentagon’s music will take you to infinity and beyond. Now imagine this, five girls wearing black mini-dresses, neon tights and silver go-go boots with tambourines and glockenspiels, no you are not watching a bad 1960’s space movie but rather a performance inspired by one. With a list of influences such as Octopuses, Lava Lamps and Dazzle, a ceramic unicorn (a.k.a. their mascot,) one has to wonder how serious Love Pentagon is about their music. But one need only go to a show to see their true intentions. They are obviously a group who are very much moved and inspired by music but who do not take it or themselves too seriously. Their music is about inspiration, innovation and above all fun. “I like to be happy and I like stuff that makes me happy, so if it makes me happy I like it,” shyly giggled Courtney Carroll, 26, Pentagon’s drummer. “I like happy music, happy music makes me happy.”

Lack of ego and genuine friendship are evident when talking to the quintet. “We don’t take ourselves too seriously and we think that is why people get into us, because we are not pretentious at all. We can go up there and do anything—to sing about random stuff,” said Marites Valesquez, 22, who plays keyboards for the Pentagon.

They, like all bands feed off the energy of the crowd but more than that they feed off of each other. This is a key element in their experimental conquest. In order to have confidence to go out there and improvise they have to have an intrinsic group harmony; a sixth sense of sorts that allows them to follow each other’s leads and to take risks that most other bands would never take during a live performance.

When all is said and done Amanda Morgan-Rosati, 26, the group’s guitarist, stated it best, “Our ultimate goal is to prove to the world that there are girl bands out there that can and will break the [stereotypical] barrier. I want people to say that we are a good band without adding the ‘girl.’ Not to be seen as a girl band but to be appreciated and to inspire people despite of gender.” Love Pentagon seems to be an experiment that might actually succeed.

For more information on the band please visit their website [at] lovepentagon.com or check out their myspace [at] www.myspace.com/lovepentagon